Phi Delt IB Workshop

Alright, here’s the play: we’re pulling off a highly levered, asset-backed hostile acquisition of Theta Chi’s underperforming, cash-bleeding real estate portfolio. Their balance sheet is weaker than their last pledge class, and we’re about to exploit their illiquid, mismanaged asset like a boomer who took out a subprime mortgage in 2006.

We structured a frat-tier LBO with maximum debt saturation, leveraging alumni mezzanine financing, seller-carried paper, and an off-books keg fund that operates like a shadow banking system. Our capital stack is more bloated than Theta Chi’s social budget, but we’re hedging downside risk by monetizing their beer pong table assets at a 20% markup and implementing aggressive dues hikes post-acquisition.

Their house is a low-yield, high-depreciation asset with a negative intangible value (because it’s Theta Chi, lmao), so we’re gonna strip it for parts, lease out the basement to freshmen with zero price elasticity, and then refi the debt at a predatory cap rate once we’ve forced their last remaining seniors to take refuge at their parents’ timeshare in Florida.

Bottom line? Theta Chi is about to get short-squeezed into bankruptcy, their net frat worth is officially insolvent, and we’ll be collecting recurring revenue from their old room keys on eBay. This is the greatest asset repositioning since 2008, and these bozos don’t even see it coming.