Has your relationship with your roommate gone awry? Maybe you started out as high school best friends and thought living together would look a lot like the Van Wilder and Taj bromance. Maybe you were serendipitously placed together by your school’s roommate selecting system. Maybe you’re friends of friends of friends because there’s no way you’d consider living with a stranger again. Maybe you’re dating.
However you came together, you've got a problem now.
They’re messier than you can handle? More boisterous than you’d like them to be? They’re an overall butthole? If it’s the end of the year for you, and after summer break you’ll find yourself in new housing, with new roommates, congratulations — your situation sorted itself out without any need to confront conflict. But if the end isn’t in sight, what do you do?
Here are the most common roommate complaints and our tips for resolution.
Problem:
They’re the dirtiest person you ever met.
How To Deal:
If you’re uber-neat and ultra OCD, nothing’s more anxiety-provoking than a messy roommate. But how do you tell someone that? First, start calmly. Bring the issue up when both of you are calm, sober, and relatively stress-free. Tell them you’d like to talk about your housing situation, and ask if they can carve out some time for a heart-to-heart. Yes, you can say heart-to-heart, as this conveys that you care about your roommate and also affirms your feelings. When you chat, make sure you use neutral language, avoiding words that may be overly offensive and cause your roommate to get defensive. Explain what you need, and offer steps, strategies and a schedule to help make it easier for your roommate to help clean. Define expectations by getting really clear what you expect, and what needs to get done. Consider it a compromise and call yourselves a team.
Problem:
They’re a nightowl (or an early bird) — and they broadcast it. Or, they’re just generally noisy.
How To Deal:
A fair amount of compromise is required here. You’ll have to find just as many strategies to block out noise as you will ways to express what sounds/volume levels are bothering you. Try earplugs or white noise machines. If your roommate is still loud and overpowers even the best noise-cancelling headphones, you’ll have to confront them. Ask to understand their schedule so you can better prepare for it. Then, ask if you can brainstorm ways that they could perhaps be just a tiny bit quieter. Maybe post-it’s on the door can function as a reminder to close it softly. Maybe bringing out the pots and pans the night before can make the sounds of breakfast skillet clanking less loud. Agree on a TV volume level that’s loud enough for your roommate and soft enough you don’t hear it.
Problem: They’re negative.
How To Deal:
Got a big, dark cloud of toxic energy moving through your apartment? Toxic roommates can be the worst, affecting everyone in their path and sucking your energy dry before you even leave for class. No amount of positivity can right the negative views they have, so you’ll have to work extra hard yourself to simply make sure they’re not tapping into and killing your vibe. Set boundaries, and find positive ways to distance yourself. If you know they’re home in the evenings sulking, swap class times for later in the day. If they lounge around complaining all weekend, fill your days with out of the house activities you can engage in. Do try talking to them, and explain (as nicely as possible) that their negative perspective is influencing you.
Problem: They fail at borrowing.
How To Deal:
So she borrows your curling iron and it gets lost in the ether of her bathroom. He borrows (and breaks) your headphones. If your roommate has a penchant for borrowing items and returning them in way worse shape (or not at all), you’ll have to communicate the issue, and let them know that you don’t feel comfortable lending items when they make it back in poor condition. Tell your roommate you’re happy to help out, but you want to make sure that the consideration is mutual. Decide for yourself the items you will refuse to share, and those you feel comfortable lending — and let him/her know. If it’s so bad you’re ready to call it theft, let your RA know.
Problem: They’re always MIA.
How To Deal:
If it bothers you, it’s worth bringing up. If your roommate is/was your friend, but since the school year started, spends all of her time MIA and it’s hurting you, she should know about it. (If you didn’t even notice your roommate hasn’t slept in their bed in weeks, you’re probably fine avoiding it — just make sure they’re still alive). If you had best friend goals at the outset of the year, and she doesn’t feel the same way, you’ll want to make sure you’re on the same page. Ask her if she’s distant for any reason other than she’s got a packed schedule. Invite her to hang out more — she may not even realize you’re interested in developing a relationship. Schedule roomie nights for you two to hang out. If she’s not interested, it’s also not worth your time.
