6 People You Will Run Into At A College Party

The Man Baby
 The Man Baby

No matter where your college is on the spectrum of ‘Party Schools,’ you will find that you generally and consistently run into the same characters




The Guy Who Seems to Have Regressed in Age and is Now Crawling

At the beginning of the party or the pregame, this guy was most likely already drunk and announcing that everyone would need to take 10 shots each. Now, try as he might, this masculine manly man only made it to 5 and was engaging in bro-mance-like behavior with his closest bros before 10 pm. At this point he is crawling toward any girl that will listen to his mommy issues and consider being his new mommy/girlfriend. The best course of action anyone can take around this giant man child crawling around the party is to treat him like your golden retriever – pet him when he walks by and tell him "down boy" if he gets too over-aggressive. 


The Girl in the Leopard Tube Top that Made Her Very Own Dance Floor

I know what you are thinking. And the answer is no, you don’t ONLY find these types in New Jersey. There are Snookis and J-wows that can be found in every state. This particular brand of party animal, let’s call her Snooki, has her make up done porn star style at the beginning of the night. But, by the end of the night Snooki appears nothing short of a circus clown on meth. Once Snooki is finished twerking with herself in her seizure-like state, she is compelled to drag all her J-wow girlfriends onto the dance floor with her. If you are the Snooki at these parties, please stop pulling your friends down to your level.


The Group of Nerds Clinging onto their Virginities for Dear Life

You are probably not sure how they got into the party or why they decided to take the night off from world of war craft and watching animated porn, but they are here and they are sure as hell ready to observe your party habits. On the rare occasion that some girl approaches this group asking where the bathroom is, they act as if their mother just caught them viscously masturbating (to the anime porn I mentioned earlier). They appear stunned and don’t know what to do. Then there’s that one in the group who has never actually spoken to a girl he hadn’t met on the internet. He attempts to touch her hair and she is too drunk to notice that it’s weird. After the girl realizes she isn’t getting an answer, she moves on and the nerds high five each other for talking to something that possesses boobs.


The Guy with an Ego Bigger than the Giant Handle Vodka Handle You are Holding

This particular gentleman frequently uses pick up lines like “Hey baby, your body is 65% water and I’m thirsty.” and “Do you work at subway? Cuz you’re giving me a footlong.” Let’s call him Brad. Brad either flies solo at these parties in order to avoid competition or travels with a less attractive, but very dedicated version of himself. Brad begins the party in search of the hottest young thang he can find, but as the party progresses, his goals become looser and his long list of criteria for the girl he wants becomes smaller. In an inevitable plot twist, Brad ends up leaving his less attractive wing-man high and dry to be with the girl in the leopard tube top mentioned previously.    


The Designated Driver

Whoever frequents the position of ‘designated driver’ is going to be that parent who volunteers to be the chaperones at high school dances. Hardcore, scientific research studies indicate that 90% of designated drivers wear business casual attire to frat parties while trying to strike up intellectual conversations with drunk people. While I do not encourage drunk driving by any means, I also do not necessarily encourage taking on this role often. The DD is a thankless job and you will most likely find yourself at Taco Bell at 3 am with 7 people in a car that legally only holds 4.


The “Let’s Go to Lunch Soon!” Girl

Let me just begin by saying, you will never ever in your entire life find yourself at lunch with this girl. This is simply her way of indicating that she misses you but does not want to make room for you in her busy schedule at this time. You should be ok with this since the lunch would revolve around her ‘1st world problems’ and Taylor Swift’s new album. She will come up to you, express how much she misses you in her life, ask to go to lunch and then be pulled away by her other plastered friends. In this situation, I would suggest a small wave and a nice smile. If you try to make concrete plans with her, she will say ‘text me, text me.’ Do not text her. Don’t be that person.




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