So if you are like me, you have pretty much had enough of winter and are counting down the days until your spring break trip. If you go to school in California or Florida, I would pay big money to see you walk to class in three feet of snow everyday for a month. Anyways, spring break is hands down one of the best weeks of the year for any college student. It’s a worry-free week to achieve new levels of greatness, stupidity, and regret. So here are the top 5 signs you did spring break right this year.
1) You are on the verge of third degree burns from how sunburnt you got
Everyone goes on spring break to escape cold/mild weather to bask in the sun and warmth for a full week. Whether that’s in Mexico, Panama City Beach, the Caribbean, or anywhere else, the sun is going to be a big part of your trip. Some of you might say, “Oh I’m very responsible when it comes to putting on and reapplying suntan lotion, there is no way I am going to get burnt.” This is the biggest bullshit remark anyone can make before they embark on their trip. There is one reason why this remark is irrelevant: YOU SAID IT WHEN YOU WERE SOBER AND BEING SOBER IS THE LAST THING YOU WILL BE ON YOUR TRIP. By the end of your trip the thought of a five star to the back will either make you pass out or cry like a little bitch, but hey it’s okay… it was probably worth it in the end.
2) You never want to use the beer bong you bought for your trip once you come home
It is perfectly normal to visit a website like swagpatio.com to splurge on fun things to make drinking on the beach more fun. A beer bong or a shotgun koozie are perfect examples. Let’s focus on the beer bong. It’s cheap, can fit in most suitcases, and is a great way to get hammered very quickly. Before you embark on your trip you remind yourself that the beer bong you bought is strictly to be used by you and your friends only. This notion goes out the window the first day when a hot chick says she will flash you if you let her do a beer bong (don’t kid yourselves boys, you’ll cave in less time than it takes to realize you’re pitching a tent in your trunks). By the end of the week you can barely recount half of the week’s festivities, which means you have no idea who has been using your beer bong and where it has been. At this point you need to cut your losses and understand that the money you spent on the beer bong wasn’t a waste, but rather a gateway to getting laid while blacked out.
3) You forget to tell your parents that you’re alive throughout the duration of your trip
Spring break for every kid is one of the most exciting weeks of the semester without question. For our parents it’s a worry-filled week of anxiousness. For all we know they could be drinking a shit ton of alcohol too to get them through the week. If you’re like me, your mom always wants and expects you to inform her that you have landed safely after traveling. This will also include, but is not limited to: daily phone calls/texting, pictures from the trip (trust me she doesn’t wanna see what you’re up to), and constant reassurance that you’re ok and not consuming unsafe amounts of alcohol. Once that first drink hits your lips (which is arguably the best one) all reassurance to mom and dad goes completely out the window. So while you are raging your ass off, trying to get laid as much as possible, drinking until you have to throw up so you can drink more, remember that mommy and daddy are scared shitless. Next time you’re back home, expect a solid bitch slap across the face from your mom, followed by a long hug.
4) You hookup with a girl who is completely out of your league
This is a no-brainer. If you go on spring break and don’t hookup with anyone at all, well you pretty much just wasted a shit ton of money and should just become a GDI. With that being said, a great success story to come home with and tell to all your friends is how you hooked up with someone who was so incredibly hot you would have no chance with them back at school. With the absurd amounts of liquor that everyone is drinking on spring break, combined with the fact that people wanna get laid, there is a very high chance this will happen. If you play your cards right, you could very well be playing tickle-pants with a solid 10 every night. There are many different ways to approach this situation, but I must say bullshiting your way through it is a very viable option. Just tell them what they wanna hear because in the end they have probably already decided within the first five minutes if they are going to hook up with you or not. So get ready, practice spitting game (mostly drunk game), and prepare yourself because your chances won’t likely be any better until next year (unless you’re a senior…in which case you can’t afford to crew this up.)
5) Someone in your group gets punched in the face and gets stitches
With all the excessive drinking that is bound to take place during spring break, there is no question that one idiot from your trip is going to get clocked in the face at one point or another. This event can take form in many different ways. The most common one would be continuing to hit on a girl after her boyfriend tells you to stop. In this scenario, the boyfriend is usually twice your friend’s size and has roid rage from all the steroids and pre-workouts he intakes on a daily basis. Mix all that with alcohol and you’ve got yourself Mr. Hulk Hogan. This particular punch to the face will without a doubt have your buddy waking up in the hospital three hours later, most likely still drunk, asking himself how the hell he got there in the first place. Another possible way to get into an altercation on spring break is talking shit to someone from another fraternity. Whether people believe it or not, every guy in a fraternity has at least one other frat that they truly despise and hate. So when your buddy sees a kid on the beach (who probably doesn’t even go to the same school as you by the way) wearing the letters of his least favorite fraternity, the dumbass will go up and call him a bitch. This results in either a one on one UFC style fight, or an all-out brawl that ends with you getting sucker-punched.
